It's Okay To Not Be Okay.....Just Don't Live There
Take a little journey with me. Back in 2010, I acquired a stomach paralysis condition that didn't allow me to eat anything successfully for about 15 months. I was pregnant for 9 of those months. I went from a healthy, vibrate woman to a very withered and dehydrated human being. I lost over 80 percent of my body weight. I also lost most of my muscle function, and I was deprived of major vitamins/nutrients. However by the grace of GOD, I had a healthy baby boy named Joshua. After his birth, I began the long, hard road to recovery. I finally got back to major normality. Boy, was it the fight of my life.
In 2012, I decided to go back to school to acquire a master's degree in educational leadership. It was an online program so I was able to complete my work conveniently from home. Everything was going really well, and I was making excellent grades. In the spring of 2013, I started having weird symptoms during that time of the month. They were slowly making me very sick. I was having a lot of sweats, nausea, fatigue, bloating, and excessive bleeding. After a few "bad" months, I decided to go see a gynecologist. Wham! I was diagnosed with endometriosis. It's a condition where uterine tissue grows outside of the uterus in other parts of the body. I didn't know it then, but I was in for another major fight of my life. I was immediately placed on a series of birth control to manage my symptoms. Nothing was really working. I was getting sicker being on the medications. My second home was the doctor's office.
The pain and bleeding was the worst of the symptoms, and nothing was making it go away. I was still in school at the time. I was fighting through fevers and pain to complete my assignments. However, I was determined to finish the program within the time frame that I had originally set for myself. In the winter of 2013, I was enrolled in my internship at a local high school. My mentor was a woman principal so it was comforting to share with her that I was struggling in my health. The days were long and the weeks were going by very slowly. By this time, I was so ready to graduate. I couldn't wait to get my degree in my hand. On May 10, 2014, I graduated from Marygrove College. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
By the fall of 2014, I was facing the news of an upcoming surgery. I was getting worse, and the options for other treatments had come to an end. I spent the holiday season in & out of bed. I couldn't work outside of the home. I was disappointed that my dreams of leading a school had to be put on hold. I had surgery in January of 2015. It was successful. I didn't have anymore of the pain and bleeding. The recovery process was long. The job that I wanted was still not in place. In September 2015, I was hit with a round of pelvic pain that sent me to the emergency room. I was placed on a morphine drip. The doctor also ordered an ultrasound that revealed major scar tissue and the spread of the endometriosis. A follow-up visit with my gynecologist uncovered the only option left for me, a hysterectomy. Surprisingly, I didn't fight the decision. I knew that it had come down to this. I also felt in a way that GOD was nudging me to accept that I would eventually be okay.
Well, the last whammy came just last week when my doctor informed me that it was going to have to be a FULL hysterectomy. Whew....that hit me in my chest like a ton of bricks! I just turned 40 years old in October. My husband also took it pretty hard. Now I am only a few days away from surgery. I have my moments. Of course, the pain is constantly pounding me like a drum. The pain pills only make me sleep which is the best thing for me right now. Then there is also the insomnia. I was just able to go to sleep this weekend after four days of no sleep. I don't like being in bed so much, but I can't really get away from it. I can be honest enough to say that GOD seems distant on the days that I'm begging him to give me some pain relief. Yet, I hold onto his hand, and I know that this nightmare won't be forever. Just this week, I've allowed myself to cry because of just being so overwhelmed.
I just want to encourage someone that it's okay to not be okay. Just don't camp out there. Ask GOD to give you a safe place to unleash the anger, grief, burdens, stress, regrets, or whatever else that you may be feeling. Otherwise, your faith will just get plugged up with the negative emotions, and you will feel like giving up. I also keep comforting things around me like my favorite pillows, music, movies, & snacks. I like to sit in my husband's lap and just close my eyes. I dress up just to take a selfie that looks good. I force myself to concentrate on encouraging people around me, especially on social media, even when I feel like crap. My biggest challenge is shutting down the racing thoughts and the arrows of fear that the devil tries to throw at me. Honestly, I don't feel like praying heaven down everyday, but when I have one of those days......I'm pretty certain that the devil stays far away from my house for awhile.
I pray that by reading about my challenging medical journey that you will know that you aren't alone. I will be back to share updates of my recovery. Pray for me as I pray for you :)
In 2012, I decided to go back to school to acquire a master's degree in educational leadership. It was an online program so I was able to complete my work conveniently from home. Everything was going really well, and I was making excellent grades. In the spring of 2013, I started having weird symptoms during that time of the month. They were slowly making me very sick. I was having a lot of sweats, nausea, fatigue, bloating, and excessive bleeding. After a few "bad" months, I decided to go see a gynecologist. Wham! I was diagnosed with endometriosis. It's a condition where uterine tissue grows outside of the uterus in other parts of the body. I didn't know it then, but I was in for another major fight of my life. I was immediately placed on a series of birth control to manage my symptoms. Nothing was really working. I was getting sicker being on the medications. My second home was the doctor's office.
The pain and bleeding was the worst of the symptoms, and nothing was making it go away. I was still in school at the time. I was fighting through fevers and pain to complete my assignments. However, I was determined to finish the program within the time frame that I had originally set for myself. In the winter of 2013, I was enrolled in my internship at a local high school. My mentor was a woman principal so it was comforting to share with her that I was struggling in my health. The days were long and the weeks were going by very slowly. By this time, I was so ready to graduate. I couldn't wait to get my degree in my hand. On May 10, 2014, I graduated from Marygrove College. It was one of the happiest days of my life.
By the fall of 2014, I was facing the news of an upcoming surgery. I was getting worse, and the options for other treatments had come to an end. I spent the holiday season in & out of bed. I couldn't work outside of the home. I was disappointed that my dreams of leading a school had to be put on hold. I had surgery in January of 2015. It was successful. I didn't have anymore of the pain and bleeding. The recovery process was long. The job that I wanted was still not in place. In September 2015, I was hit with a round of pelvic pain that sent me to the emergency room. I was placed on a morphine drip. The doctor also ordered an ultrasound that revealed major scar tissue and the spread of the endometriosis. A follow-up visit with my gynecologist uncovered the only option left for me, a hysterectomy. Surprisingly, I didn't fight the decision. I knew that it had come down to this. I also felt in a way that GOD was nudging me to accept that I would eventually be okay.
Well, the last whammy came just last week when my doctor informed me that it was going to have to be a FULL hysterectomy. Whew....that hit me in my chest like a ton of bricks! I just turned 40 years old in October. My husband also took it pretty hard. Now I am only a few days away from surgery. I have my moments. Of course, the pain is constantly pounding me like a drum. The pain pills only make me sleep which is the best thing for me right now. Then there is also the insomnia. I was just able to go to sleep this weekend after four days of no sleep. I don't like being in bed so much, but I can't really get away from it. I can be honest enough to say that GOD seems distant on the days that I'm begging him to give me some pain relief. Yet, I hold onto his hand, and I know that this nightmare won't be forever. Just this week, I've allowed myself to cry because of just being so overwhelmed.
I just want to encourage someone that it's okay to not be okay. Just don't camp out there. Ask GOD to give you a safe place to unleash the anger, grief, burdens, stress, regrets, or whatever else that you may be feeling. Otherwise, your faith will just get plugged up with the negative emotions, and you will feel like giving up. I also keep comforting things around me like my favorite pillows, music, movies, & snacks. I like to sit in my husband's lap and just close my eyes. I dress up just to take a selfie that looks good. I force myself to concentrate on encouraging people around me, especially on social media, even when I feel like crap. My biggest challenge is shutting down the racing thoughts and the arrows of fear that the devil tries to throw at me. Honestly, I don't feel like praying heaven down everyday, but when I have one of those days......I'm pretty certain that the devil stays far away from my house for awhile.
I pray that by reading about my challenging medical journey that you will know that you aren't alone. I will be back to share updates of my recovery. Pray for me as I pray for you :)
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